Mom, Me and Dad
As baby boomers get older, so do our parents. And at some point in time our parents will no longer be able to make even the simplest decisions for themselves. This is where we step in. A lot of times we have to decide what might be best for them (even though they don’t like it). Just as they did for us when we were little.
I had to do this with my father.
At 84 yrs. of age, blind and in a wheelchair, and mentally not totally with it, his house became a danger zone. He fought me every inch to go into an ALR (assisted living residence) for over a year. Then it happened. He fell and became confused and forgot how to use his “Panic Button” Medic Alert. He laid on the floor for hours. He had suffered a mini stroke.
A decision was made by a process of steps.
I had taken my father to the Doctor for an evaluation on his mental status. He was in the starts of Dementia due to a series of mini strokes. And along with his other health issues, I just was not able to continue to care for him in his home by myself. I needed help and so did he because during this time I had a heart attack at the age of 50. Part of the process of making this decision was talking with people who’s opinions meant a lot to me. I spoke with our Pastor, family members, a few very close friends and most of all the family lawyer. I was able to get some of them to speak with my father. Believe me, there is strength in numbers. I felt he thought everyone was going against him. The main thing is that it was The Right Choice.
The battle was over.
I told him he had No Choice in the matter. Two months later he was moved into an ALR. He was not the least bit happy at first. He was there for 17 months before he passed away. If he had stayed in his house, he would not have lasted anywhere near that long.
You will ask yourself if you did the right thing. I did that a lot. It was the right thing to do for us both. But, who said life was easy! This was the start of a new way of life for him and myself. I could at least sleep at night knowing he was being taken care of 24/7. Something I was not able to do for him. With running a business, having a home of my own to take care of and trying to have my own life (hahaha) this was the best solution for us.
This was just a start of a chance to breathe.
As I said earlier, I had suffered a heart attack during this period. Taking care of a parent who was strong willed and very demanding didn’t leave me much time to take care of myself. Thank heavens for ALR’s. The staff there was skilled in taking care of those who longer could fend for themselves, and give the family a break from daily care chores. I would visit with my father at least three times a week. It was wonderful to just enjoy a visit and his company. It was such a blessing to have some peace of mind.
With this issue, please talk with your parents about Power of Attorney and Living Wills. If they don’t have these Please, Please force the issue with them. Praise to God, I had the sense to have done this a few years before I had to take on this roll.
As a parent to your parent you sometimes have to let your mind rule your heart. Seek and reach out to family, friends and even outsiders to help you with these decisions. Still after almost 2 years since my fathers death I question myself if I did the right things for him. I know in my heart, mind and soul I did. But once in awhile it’s nice to hear confirmation from others. The one thing I can say for sure is that what I did was out of love.
